The author, Nandishi Shriram

The author, Nandishi Shriram
Colors myriad, yet a land unexplore

Saturday, September 29, 2012

A screeching bird

A screeching bird rests on my soft pillow
She sleeps a nightmare of unrest

Onto which we have tortured, clamped, held her wings
It is just a wallowing bird
Yet we treat it so

For where do the pain and hurt go
Of pasts long forgotten

Where can the loved ones go?
If the hells that are long lost
If not in a yawning chasm
Remember me once more o beloved

When I kiss you goodbye
I wave to you in a fading twilight
That gathers me in its rambunctious folds

Move into a Light that envelopes you
For only that Light can be seen that is of a further nature

If that bird does get freed, then allow it to be a free spirit
Into yonder it flies, into yonder
Into a restful sleep

It is a bird of metaphoric symbols
Of life, lost and found so

Forgive it its follies
For it is now at rest
In a twilight that only some can see

For we have yet to accomplish the morrow
Of many, many lives

Of many sins, of many deeds untold

Let there be no more screeching of the birds, of tempests forgotten
Of sorrows that now lie still

Goodbye O friend of many years
As you rest in a deep slumber

We will meet in the yonder of forgotten pasts
Of things left unsaid

The Liliting Moon

The leaves smother the lilting moon
As my wandering eye gazes upon this frothy cloud
I see the imperial vision of the diamante circle
Slithering softly behind the mirage of the frothy cloud
My yearning heart skips a beat
As I imagine Him embracing me
Glistening golden beads of sweat
Arise from my bosom of heated flesh                                                                                       
The moon starts working its molten magic
As I surrender my moist rose with a gasp
Fluttering rose petals, dewy cheeks
Melting kisses, whispered love
As I rise and fall in crescendo
I imagine He has been here
Caressing away my tears
I whisper to the Moon
To let him see me, heaving thus....
A voice beckons from beyond, a whispery voice...
Of love that has long been buried
I rise from my slumber, like a maiden forlorn
I comb my wet hair, wipe my moist cheeks...
I ready myself for Him
And as I prepare in my rituals of love,
I see a vision upon the cloudy light
It is Him, he has come, a thundering man of might..
I now lay back with a benign smile,
Awaiting his footsteps, tenderly so...
I feel his vicious might, as we embrace in the eternal folds of time
I blush, for it is Him and not just a supreme manifest
He carries me away into the Shaft, the Eternal Light
Where we become one, never to part...
The Moon once more slithers from behind the Invisible Veil
I blush, yet there is no one besides me
The folds are tender, as moist as rose
Yet there is no one, no one besides me
Just a dusty, dry rose.....

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Void

The delicate weft of the green....
The bird rising in the stormy tempestuous of the green glass...
And at the euphoric tempestuous green glass
Rambling an infinitive flowing water....

But the green, the delicate, the silky weft of the infinitive flowing water..

The delicate weft of the green glass
And the bird, a rising bird...in the delicate weft

In the infinitive...a bird....and a delicate green....

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Why did we exist?

Why did we exist, in a world that never understood love?
A planet that moved in directions that we could not decide.
I cry, I cry for you because you loved me and let go of me
I exist, in a void that stretches into reams of time, not knowing when it will end
Beckoning to you, I move into a surrealistic cloud, whispering words heard long ago in a melody
I sang, love filled paeans for you, to be unheard by many but you
Whispering words of love held in floating petals of rose
In a moonlit night, in a lush garden with a mystical air, I walk
I walk a path softly, whispering to you to come to me and hold me
In a dream that we are weaving
Heavy with promise...whispering, swirling, weaving songs of sand
Clutched in my bosom is a rose
That wilts with my warmth
A rose dyed with the ink of crying blood
Which weeps for me

Sweltering, in a heat that is not hell
I live, whispering odes of love, hoping that you hear me

Moving shafts of light pierce my vision
When you enter my world
I cannot see you because I am still swirling in a dream
Where we existed beyond magical spells
Cast over me, spells that keep me entrapped with you

I whisper, a soft dream of feathery angels
Nightingales wallow in pity for my aching heart that has not sung for centuries
I still exist, in a warp that I call time
I am soft and silken, kept beautiful and lovely only for a magical moment
And then I move on, swirling in my fantastic world that I have created
Full of magic, promise, burgeoning and ripe fruit
Spilling over with honey and nectar
I step in a swan like walk
Knowing that you would watch me
Caressed by your watchful eyes

As the dream unfolds, we see a striking vision of spellbinding lights
As we see her, the picture unfolds...
She moves on, with loving dreams
We all see her, just a woman, but with a synergy
She is a dream that we envy
A dream kept pure for the one who would love only
We let her live in a magical fantasy world
Kept soft as a dusky rose
Fragrant with the scent of a dream, of promising magic
Of beauty that few can surpass
She knows, that it is he who will love her only
For she is a promise of lush ripe fruit
Kept beautiful just for him

She lives, captive in a night




























Where is the sky?

Where is the sky?
That submerges me with rain when I need some solace...

What are the clouds there for if not for cocooning me in my achingness?
Who are we if not beings made just for love?
In a world that races by, I stop and tell the passerby
To sense what I feel, in painful agony
It is just...it is just a living fantasy when we love...
For without it, we cease to exist

Walk with me my silent lover
Hold my hand when I fall into depths of whirling cries
Tear me apart, into shattering pieces
Rush me into searing hollows, of volcanic lust
Of lust that cannot be anything but....
It is love that drives me insane for you
Insane and screaming in agony
I awaken, rushing to meet you in my awakening fire
Of flames that should not be doused for then....
Then I become a dervish of wantonness
I become a mad screaming half crazed bitch
Who has heat all over her, written in searing hot irons that burn

Mad am I, when you plunge into me, darkness, light and much much more
I enjoy this passion that has driven me to wilderness for years to come
I will be now a stark naked woman, just for you

For it is you that I see, only you
When my passion culminates and a seed is born
You stir into me fire, molten....volcanic
Fire that leaves ashes of brimming lust
When we created our child, she became this Neanderthal being
That walked this earth for time to come
In her stopping stance, I see a world that she carries on her heaving shoulders
Her bosom has been created for a fierce warrior just to love, in a barren land

In our wanton lust, we forgot to douse our fire
So when we create this being, she becomes this objectified lush
Who walks this earth in a prowl of desire
A being that will destroy all sanity, remove control from the men

Who is this monstress we created?
We created a being that came from two bodies, two minds, two hearts
Yet in our passion, we forgot to think...
We forgot that we were creating
So today when we have a being that is only on a prowl of lust
We cannot blame any but ourselves
It is done, a deed that we cannot take back

So next time, in our lustful agony
We must remember when creating

To think, to think that the being that culminates from our seed
Has only us responsible for his descent to our earth
We must remember that a love that we have should be the only thing that we can think of
And to be pure when creating, to give our seed a thought

Remember to walk a cloud of love
For it is love because of which we exist

Only love.....only love.....only love






































Where is the sky?
That submerges me with rain when I need some solace...

What are the clouds there for if not for cocooning me in my achingness?
Who are we if not beings made just for love?
In a world that races by, I stop and tell the passerby
To sense what I feel, in painful agony
It is just...it is just a living fantasy when we love...
For without it, we cease to exist

Walk with me my silent lover
Hold my hand when I fall into depths of whirling cries
Tear me apart, into shattering pieces
Rush me into searing hollows, of volcanic lust
Of lust that cannot be anything but....
It is love that drives me insane for you
Insane and screaming in agony
I awaken, rushing to meet you in my awakening fire
Of flames that should not be doused for then....
Then I become a dervish of wantonness
I become a mad screaming half crazed bitch
Who has heat all over her, written in searing hot irons that burn

Mad am I, when you plunge into me, darkness, light and much much more
I enjoy this passion that has driven me to wilderness for years to come
I will be now a stark naked woman, just for you

For it is you that I see, only you
When my passion culminates and a seed is born
You stir into me fire, molten....volcanic
Fire that leaves ashes of brimming lust
When we created our child, she became this Neanderthal being
That walked this earth for time to come
In her stopping stance, I see a world that she carries on her heaving shoulders
Her bosom has been created for a fierce warrior just to love, in a barren land

In our wanton lust, we forgot to douse our fire
So when we create this being, she becomes this objectified lush
Who walks this earth in a prowl of desire
A being that will destroy all sanity, remove control from the men

Who is this monstress we created?
We created a being that came from two bodies, two minds, two hearts
Yet in our passion, we forgot to think...
We forgot that we were creating
So today when we have a being that is only on a prowl of lust
We cannot blame any but ourselves
It is done, a deed that we cannot take back

So next time, in our lustful agony
We must remember when creating

To think, to think that the being that culminates from our seed
Has only us responsible for his descent to our earth
We must remember that a love that we have should be the only thing that we can think of
And to be pure when creating, to give our seed a thought

Remember to walk a cloud of love
For it is love because of which we exist

Only love.....only love.....only love






































Trickling softly

Trickling softly
A painful solitary tear that rests on my lonesome cheek
Waiting for you to hold and treasure it
But you never come
You leave me aching, devoid, with no desire
I do not know why I live
When it is you that I cannot have
An aimless sky, a day filled with nothing
Such is my life, when you are not there
Bleak as an oblivion where we have walked once
In a blazing passion that could have ignited the world
But consumed us, in a momentary chasm of lust
I search, every day, every night
In my dreams, for you
But you never come, you let me wallow in my own hell
Created by us, in a timeless well

Pray leave my mind, my very being
Because I find it difficult to live
Without you in my aching and empty heart

Arouse the passion once more
Because I lay dead in my waking days
I weep, without any tears falling
I fear life, without you to hold

Tinkling...further and further away


Tinkling further and further away
Rings a delicate bell
Telling me of a moment that is to come
Of fulfilment that has been
Devastating for the planetary orbits
But for you and me
We remain awakened in a moment that stretches into nirvanas
Sought by seers, sages, unenlightened many

Many moons back
When you lulled me into sleep
By stretching across an arm of endearment

I wept, for I knew it was never to be
A fulfilment that was so enjoyed by worlds

So when I feel blessed, it may be just by you
For loving me enough to hold me longingly just for that moment

We dance an eternal dance of pain
Where I may not have you and you may not have me
But we do know
We know that we have been together for what was a lifetime

It is not to possess you that I held you

It was to free you from lifelong shackles

Maybe you may never understand the pain

But the pain exists of not being understood

I let you go so I could not have you
And return to this realm once more
To be with you in another life


Life .....a paradox to all those who do not understand
But to me, it is only you that has been

And love

For without love, I do not exist


Story-Swim

He swam the currents ferociously as if his life depended on it. Nitin was a god fearing man of 24, who knew what he wanted out of life. He had seen life at very close quarters, yet something in him always looked for the good in everyone.
He was racing with his cousin Anita in Phuket. Nitin had just learnt swimming from his best friend Anjana, who was like his twin soul. Anjana was twice his age, yet she behaved as if she was a 6 year old. Nitin brought out the best in her. They made sure they met really often. Anjana was drawn to Nitin like a magnet. His angelic face, his humor, his kindness helped her wipe away her many tears that would never fall. Anjana was single, out of choice. She had chosen to stay that way as she had been hurt really badly once. She did like men, yet had found no one who rose to her standards. She was content at the present moment. She had found someone who understood her like no one ever had, her best friend for life. For Nitin, she was ready to move mountains. He didn’t know this. He would find out years later.
It was a routine day. Nitin awakened to find his flatmate Ankush packing up to leave for his hometown. Nitin took this as one of those things, helped Ankush to the auto and then left for his workplace. Everyone at work looked to Nitin for advise, help with matters personal, help with this punchline, that ad etc. Nitin could charm the lizards off the walls, that was the power he had over women. They did not care about his sexuality or that he preferred men. They just swarmed to him like bees, and he enjoyed the attention.
Every day Nitin would come back, on his way he would stop to speak to some errant, to try reforming them. Many times he would land into trouble, yet he would never care. He knew the world had 2 sides to it, one dark, one light. He looked at the light part in everyone and that allowed him to help many.

Today, Anjana was disturbed. Which meant, Nitin was disturbed. She was sobbing on the phone. Her mother has been very rude to her in front of a lot of people at lunch. Nitin made an excuse at work and rushed to sort Anjana out. He met her at her home, when no one was around, hugged her and helped ease her pain. Calm, Anjana smiled back at him. Nitin went back to work.

Years later he was to remember. He was now 30, heading his own PR firm. He had a lover, his boyfriend Jatin, who was cute, tubby and had the best butt Nitin could ask for. Jatin, Nitin and Anjana would often go out dancing to Shroom. Anjana was hot looking. She had shed her weight and was now a lass, in the true sense. She had no desire to get involved with anyone. She had enough male friends to keep her entertained. Once in a while she would sleep with Vivek, her lover of many years, no strings attached. Vivek was extremely well hung and knew how to please her. He slept with no one else as he loved his Anjie baby. There would be nights of unbridled passion, and Anjana would be screaming someone else’s name. Vivek would always wonder, who this Bikram was.

Bikram was her healer. He had left her life when she had let him know she liked him. Bikram could not handle getting involved with his clients, least of all Anjana. Over the years, he had grown to love her secretly, yet her background stopped him. She hailed from India’s top families, whereas he was from the services industry. Even though he knew she could adjust, something stopped him. He was bitter from his previous marriage and could not afford to get hurt again. So ended that chapter, he finished their sessions and requested her never to contact her again. It hurt, it sure did. Only Nitin could help ease her pain by being a great friend.

It was 7 pm. He stood at the doorway, waiting for his car. A huge truck veered towards the gate. 4 goons sprang out. One of them took out a machine gun and opened fire randomly. It was a terror attack and Nitin happened to be one of the victims. Bleeding profusely, he was rushed to max emergency where stood waiting his family and Anjana. One look at him and Anjana teetered. She knew. This would be a long haul. Nitin did not live with his family. They did love him, his mother did. Nitin never agreed with his father. His father was a bully and always was mean to Nitin. Blood donations were needed, Anjana started rallying all her friends, family, workers around for B+ blood. She was B+ too. It was a long night. Nitin pulled through. The bullet had punctured his right lung, missed the heart with a narrow margin. The doctors heaved a sigh of relief. The story was not over.
The goons were set up by a rival that hated Nitin. It took a lot of string pulling by Anjana to find out who the man was. When she got to know, a phone call was made. The man never set foot in India again. Anjana never let Nitin know what happened.
Nitin eventually left India to join his friend Jatin in Amsterdam. They now live happily. Anjana flies over to visit her best pal. She is now with Harinder, who she met on a flight. They fell in love instantly.
They say friendships never die. This friendship lived. When Nitin and Anjana lost their respective partners, they decided to move together. They lived together forever. When she died, Nitin became a seer. Theirs was a true love story, without the aspect of physical nuances. They had loved each other from the time they had met. Never having had to say much, they had been there for each other. It was a sad day when they realised they could never marry. For this was a marriage surely made in heaven. Through many regressions, they had come to know that they were lovers in their past lives and had been separated. They came together in this life as fiends forever.


Swept into wilful time

Swept into wilful time
We embrace slowly
Caressing the winds that touch us

Not knowing that we are to be parted
We touch, in a dream that will soon finish
Leaving me weeping and asking why...
Why could you never be with me?

Leaving me alone in your ecstasy
I weep, crying alone in a bed that some time was made just for us

Be still when I touch your aching heart
Filled with pain of our separation

I whisper words of love to you but you sleep


In a dream that may never finish


I love your aching heart, holding my hand steadily on it
We sleep, hoping that our eternity remains

We hope that we reach Nirvaana
In just love, we could do that

But the world does not permit it
Striking a judgement when not needed

Making two lonely hearts part once more
It is deep pain that I feel when centuries later you lift my veil



It is cumbersome to even tell you how I have waited
For just a glimpse, I blush when I see you

The world knows that I ache
But they want you to know that it was a broken heart that called out for you

A heart that you broke
In infinite pieces, that could never could come together, even if you tried

I now know that I can live with you and without you
Because for years I quelled my aching heart, to be with you
You cared just enough to stay just a while

Not asking why the pillow is soaked with tears
You care for yourself, only yourself

I live in a dream where you have realised your folly
Where you have come to love me in all my madness

As the dawn rises, so rises my veil that has been kept on for fathoms of time
We do not realise that in a world where a tomorrow may not exist
We hold onto memories of loves long forgotten
It is an aching and lonely heart that searches for you in every dream, every living moment
So even when I meet you, I am searching
For something that even I do not know

It is just a lonely heart that seeks, in every living being, a contentment that is not easy to find


We sleep, living a dream for centuries
We do not know that once our moment passes, it becomes a dream that we may have lived
So we do not stop to be pure, crystal clear

We just live to our heart’s content

While I seek a truth that no one knows about
I seek to be free of you, the world, and all shackles that bind me

Saddening those who love me, because they do not know that I will run one day

I just do not seek anything that only exacts material pleasures
I seek the truth, so hard to find


I leave you in your dream and I walk

Onto a light that has come through to my aching soul

I walk a light that shows me the way to a universe that encompasses all

I see a being that shines from eternity

Then I cry

I was seeking love, truth, I never found it when I lived


Yet when I left my body and walked into the light


I knew

I knew what I was looking for


A swamping and deluging of my soul with a light

Which left me without pain, calm


This is where I want to be

So I wish you goodbye and leave

Into my world of light












































Somewhere in collective time

Somewhere in collective time
We heard a voice of sorrow

Of a woman who was misunderstood by all

In a world that thought she was a fool
She rose from the ashes to defy all sanctimonious emotion
That gave birth to such emotions such as envy and jealousy

They took from her, everything

Yet she always had a lot to give

Her heart bled for him
She never knew why it did bleed when he had caused the pain

She cried, knowing that he was not meant to be his
Yes she knew, she knew that she would protect him always

He did not love her the way she had loved him, he just did not
Yet she gave to him, happily

She loves another, who is a dream for her
She has not shared a past or a future with him

Yet she knows he is an angel for her
Someone who will protect her
They have lived in a previous life
As man and wife
She ran away from him because she loved another
In the stark bleakness of the night, she ran, frightened of his wrath
He loved her passionately, enough to physically destroy her
So she ran, heavy with child, wearing white, beautiful
She knocked on every door, yet no one answered
So she gave birth to a child

And now she meets him in this life
And she knows
She has let go of her past with him

She looks into the future, with warm loving eyes
She waits for her soul mate to manifest
A new love who will care for her and warm her aching cold heart

For she is tired, tired of loving and not being loved back in return
He gives her his heart, on a platter

He loves her dearly, his beloved fool
A woman who the world has not understood in their shallow quests
She rests her aching head on his shoulder
And holds his loving hand
For it is a kiss that she waits for

A kiss of tender loving care that she waits for

In a dream that will come true
With a new one who will cherish his beloved maiden
Who has waited all these years
Learning lessons of great import
His beloved fool is a wise one
Seeking only truth and nothing else
She loves and has cried many a years
Waiting to be relieved of pains caused by so many
So many fools who thought themselves wise
They recognized her but refused to give her credit
Because she was so lovely that they looked pale in comparison

She is happy in her dreams of aching sorrow, love and so much more

















































Sometimes they tell me I am mad

Sometimes they tell me I am mad, to want so much.
Then they tell me I am only human, to want, to desire.
To desire you from the very dregs of my blackened soul,
Is to live, without you, yet in your memory, I travel distances
In my dreams, I am reaching for only you.
For I have loved, you and you only.

It is a sad day, yet so very beautiful, for maybe I have cried.
In blood, I am yours.

But it is a loved one that one longs for, not for the ordinary is this turmoil.
We sing, we dance, we toil, for who? For you? For me? For beauty?

Tell me is it love that allows me to survive for ever?
Is it that very love that drives me to vistas that I may never see or have seen?
Is it dreams that awaken me from my stupor and remind me that it will never be you again?
Oh it is an illusion that I live, for I am a mere fragment for the universal light.
It is just a spark that divinates every living being, that allows a life to form from plain seed.

What is it that separates illusion from reality?
A vast horizon that yawns over chasms that seem like eternity,
Yet it is simply a veil that lifts when we move over
To another reality that we may never experience in the physical

Yet a truth emanates from the being’s very pore.
That we live, we exist in every realm that we have traversed.
So remember that it is only love that carries us over to oceans varied.
So when I love, I live within you.

In every living, loving moment, I move in fluid grace.
Hoping that love be with me all the way, leaving me only to traverse another realm.
Where I will be some day.







Remembering you in a midnight blue madness

Remembering you in a midnight blue madness
I cling to my heart, crying yet smiling
It is a time of reckoning as we promise to just fly with the winds
We fly to a beyond that has no end, no beginning
I love the way you just about hold my hand and fly with me
As we had parted centuries back in a tearful war
So when I walk back, warm your aching heart, you want me back the way you do
When you lose something precious

We have an unspoken love, that cannot be named
So when I cry tears of pain, it is also a cry for love that has not been with me
I just walk on when I see that you have found love, maybe not in me
Yet we remain, flying together, being one
Kissing a dusk that will at least be ours
In a twilight that I buzz in, as a firefly
It is a dangerous time, when I know that I can always enter your life as a lover
I refrain, I just love you and leave

 I leave and go back to where I belong
Alone
In a vast horizon that awaits me





Story-Non existent in my solitude

Non-existent, in water I float, in my solitude. I do not cry.
These are the words that define me, Nandita. I live in a surrealistic world that I call Utopia.
Today, my brother, Anshuman returns from the US of A. Anshu has been studying B. Tech and promises to be a multi millionaire. He is gifted with IQ, I with EQ. We are birds of a feather.
There is pandemonium in the house. Ghar ka chiraag laut raha hai. Mom is going ballistic, screaming matches with the staff, Papa rushing around too. Their darling son, the prodigal is returning. In this mob like fury, I am totally forgotten. My breakfast comes in late, as cook is busy making Anshu’s favourite dishes. Kebabs, biryani, theplas. I am alone in my room. I stare at the curtains, wanting to tear them off. Mom has forgotten that today I had to go for my entrance test for the Jewelry Designing course at JD Instt. The driver has gone off to get fresh towels for Anshu’s room.
I hurry. I am late already. I need to shower and catch a scooty without telling my folks. I go running down the stairs. Mom notices me rushing down. As I am headed towards the main door, I hear her asking me.
“And where do you think you are going Shonali? Mujhse pooccha tak nahin?? Just leaving without even saying bye??” The voice is stern, crisp, a calm anger pervades the thought.
I swirl around, my face is wrought with sensitive emotion, I am shaking, I do not like being ignored.
“Mom!! You knew very well that I had a test today, yet you sent Naresh off?? Is that how much I mean to you guys????” I have tears in my eyes yet I am firm. Enough of this partiality.
“Haan haan, yaad thha mujhey. I was waiting for you to remind me. But you?? You have been stuck inside your room for days doing god knows what. You know Anshuman is coming, and you did not even lift a finger to help. I have not produced you for nothing!!Do you understand me?? In this house, everyone will do as I say. Including you. Now go. I will speak to you when you are back” And Mom turns back to her chores, while I leave, tears streaming down my cheeks. She did not even ask how I was going.
I hail an auto, sit in it. I am embarrassed. The guards are wondering why their masters’ daughter would take an auto when the house has so many cars. Forget them. My career is more important to me. I need to find a place under the Sun, that I can call my own.
I reach the Instt after an hour, the traffic is terrible. I rush to my seat. The examining teacherhands me my sheets. I have 3 hours to do this. I do what I can best. Out come my pencils, colors, instruments. I scratch away furiously at the gateway sheets. I have to design a necklace with cabochon emeralds and the design has to represent an animal. I choose an octopus. 3 hours later, I submit my sheets. Tired, I sit in the cafe for a cup of tea. In the adjoining table is a group of gaggling people. They seem to be having a great time. My shoulders slump. I hate sitting alone, but I don’t have a choice. The boy who is directly in front of me, smiles. I look down at my tea. I pay up and leave.
Anshu arrives. Everyone is full of love, smiling, Mom specially. She is a different person when he is around. Papa is strict with him, while he dotes on me. I don’t trouble Papa for anything. I know he has a rough time with Mom so I let him be. Anshu has brought back for me my favourite music, and lots of books on jewelry design. He knows this is my dream. Since childhood I have loved jewelry. As a child, I used to design beautiful trinkets, bake them in our oven, color them with shiny glitter paint, stick sequins on them and lo and behold, I would have a stunning piece of jewelry.
I would spend hours poring over handicrafts books that Papa would get for me. I would make paper jewelry, jewerly with plants, with anything. Mom would scream at me for wasting my time. I would plod on.
Anshu and I are very close. He understands what Mom is doing to me. He tells me to go ahead and make my dreams. Mom wants me to get married, that’s all she wants. I am hellbent on going ahead with my dreams. No one can stop me.
The days go by. I wait for my results. I call the Institute. They say they will let me know. A month had gone by. I take it upon myself to go and find out. The administration person is on leave. I knowck at the Director’s door. He looks up, sees a young girl of maybe 19, attractive. He motions me to sit. I present my entrance exam receipt. He smiles. He looks at the folder in front of him. He gets up from his chair and comes around to where I am. A reassuring hand rests on my shoulder. He speaks.
“Do you know, young lady, that you have qualified as the sole entrant to the scholarship to our branch in Belgium? You have been selected to do the one year certification in Jewelry Design and Diamond Grading from our head school there. Your designs were unique, and very delicately crafted and put on paper. It is rare that a young mind such as yours can do this. I hope you will accept the scholarship and do the Instt proud.”
I am in shock. I did not expect this.  I take the papers from him. I am to leave in 2 months. My visa etc will be taken care from by them. I am so happy. I go back home. There is chaos there. My dadi is not well. She has been skipping a heartbeat. We are to take her for a check up immediately. Mom summons me. I am instructed to go with her & Papa while she makes sure that Anshu is looked after.
My happiness is forgotten amidst all this. Dadi undergoes her check up. The reports are not good. Her heart problem seems to have come back. I am devastated. Now what will happen to my scholarship? Dadi has to be put in hospital and I have been given the duty to be there with her while Mom caters to Anshu’s every need and Papa is at work. I am crestfallen. How do I tell anyone?
I decide not to go. I do not tell anyone as I know I will be stopped. I am always 2nd, Anshu always first. My pain is unfathomable. I go into my shell once more. I float, non-existent, in my solitude.

Lingering in an oblivion that holds a searing pain

Lingering in an oblivion that holds a searing pain
Of a heart that bled once for you, night and day

I lay silent, numb, without feeling
For sleep to come over me and render me unconscious
For when I awaken, it is only you that does not exist in my world

Where will the unending eternity take us, in a world that exists without you?
How will our lives ever again intertwine, if we drift apart?

I remember fondly, of dark memories that at least lit up my empty past
Today, it is not even that, I just exist, in a void that maybe you can also never fill

For you left me, bereft, devoid, aching

It may be that someday I come back to reckon with you
But how can a numb slab of ice, have a pulsating heart?

I am dead, in a world that exists without you.
I exist, without you
Numb, totally

You left me unthinkingly
Not knowing that in my already empty vastness
Only you had ever existed
For me

It was you who brought shades of light in my very dark world
Plunged in a fiery dark, I begged for you to occupy my seed

Seed that never bore fruit
When all you cared for was just the flesh

But yet I thank you for having been
Just a lover who passed by when I cried, lonely tears

So today when I walk a wind that only has stillness
I always bless you in a twilight that only exists I
And just fading memories of a time that brought darkness into light

And made my pure being, a dark dark one

Of a sky that never filled with vivid colors
But of a dark palette that would be a blur for you

Not recognizing me anymore, you ask for my flesh once more

It tears my broken heart to say no
But I do, as we cannot walk a wind that can only carry me

We again drift akimbo, into voids that stretch and defy time
Where one of us gets destroyed
And bleeds into sands of time